Top Statements Guys Can Say To Their Significant Other To Initiate ANGRY MAKE UP SEX!

Hello America,

Q: Who doesn't love "Angry Make-Up Sex"?

A: Single people, that's who!

I feel very comical right now so I am going to make a nice silly little blog for any of my homies who has a wife, girlfriend, significant other, etc.  I urge y'all not to use these on females you don't know too well or are casually dating as to not upset them to the point of causing bodily harm to you or your possessions.

Disclaimer: Reno is in no way shape or form responsible for any or all physical, mental, or emotional damages caused by a female reaction to the below statements, also if you are female you may not find most if not all of these statements not too funny.  The intent of this blog is to make you angry enough to have ANGRY MAKE-UP SEX with your significant other.

With that said,

HERE WE GO!

 - "Your awesome but next time we do it, can you do __________  just a little better?"

     Honestly, this statement isn't too harsh...unless used in the right context.  First off, you've got to spring this statement on your unsuspecting chick at a super random time, such as right before she leaves for work, or send her a text while she's at the grocery store so that it is inconvenient for her to initiate a rebuttal.  When the subject comes up when you guys are in person be as specific as possible maybe write down notes on a notepad or Google a fetish website with instructions on how to perform a certain act and give it to her.  Ex. Your oral sex could use some practice, and then give her a diagram with notes on how to do it better.

- "Well, I'd rather _______ before we get started." or "After I  _________, we can do it."
     Women use this trick on us all the time and then when they're done doing the aforementioned task, their too tired or fatigued to give up the goods.  Trust me this will work for us 10 fold.  In nature, women typically hold the key that unlocks the mating ritual, if you close that door and break the lock off of it, prepare for some hostility.  They think that since we're men, that we always want sex and that when they want it from their partner that they'll get it every time.  If you deny them this satisfaction, it's pretty funny (no wonder they do it to us all the time).  This can only be used when you're lady is mega horny, ovulating, wanting to do the horizontal polka, etc.  But only if she is trying to initiate sexual activity.  Ex. "Mmmm, you look so sexy tonight, once the 7th inning is over I'm going to lay you down..." but once the game is almost over, fall asleep for real on the couch with a beer in your hand.  If she tries to wake you up by flirting, fart on her and tell her you need to take a shower because you might've had an accident.

- "Baby if I had the opportunity to do Random Celebrity I totally would." or  "You're hot babe, but you ain't got S*** on Random Celebrity."
     This is a fairly common statement that us men use out of our natural lust for hot, scantily clad, top heavy actresses and or musicians.  Little do most guys know that if this statement comes out of our mouth in front of our significant others (as long as it's not in public) it can usually burrow its way into the female psyche almost as a challenge.  Almost as a contest, where once sexual interaction is finished your woman can turn over buck naked, sweat dripping down her back, and hair tangled and say "I bet Random Celebrity can't give it to you LIKE THAT!."  A cocky, and challenged WOMAN is a happy and spicy WOMAN. Just make sure that the Random Celebrity that you reference is not a total skeeze bag such as but not limited to Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, or any woman that you've seen on an MTV reality show.  Cause you don't want to insult your lady or have her try to match the challenge of outdoing a prostitute (unless you want your salad tossed or some f'd up things of that nature.

- Use "Baby Talk" all the way into the bedroom...
     Being condescending is another tactic that women have been using on us for years.  But, common sense and a light touch needs to be used in this instance as to not completely turn off your woman.  Use it almost as a way (and use common sense in judging your lady's mood) to make you seem over sensitive.  Like this...Ex. "Awe, baby you're so cute tonight, I'll give you a nice little back rub.  Awe, if you don't want to [have sex] we don't have to, with the day you've had YOU PROBABLY CAN'T HANDLE IT." This only works to your advantage if your woman is not tired, if she is...she probably will take the opportunity to fall asleep during the back rub.  There is only a chance for angry make-up sex if she's wide awake and knows you're being condescending (such as if it's the afternoon and she's been doing low stress hobbies all day such as knitting or baking...I don't think its a good idea if you want angry make up sex to use this tactic right after work, seeing as she might find this as you being nice and SHE WILL FALL ASLEEP DURING THE BACK RUB).  Also, if you are going to use this tactic, you have to say YOU PROBABLY CAN'T HANDLE IT, to initiate a challenge on her behalf and WOMEN love challenges.

- Invite your lady to join you in one of your hobbies and then criticize her on how she performs...
    Ha, this one is cool.  For this example I'm going to use video games as the hobby.  Invite your girlfriend to play Call of Duty with you (If you are a guy, YOU HAVE THIS GAME) and then criticize her on how bad she is.  Usually this will lead to Angry Make Up Sex as a way to over-perform from her crappy video game play.  That is if she doesn't go 35 & 6 in a Domination match.  If she happens to be a Call Of Duty aficionado or master at whatever game you decide to play do not fret.  Once you are done playing, say --jovially-- "Damn baby, you did great! Now if you put this much effort into the bedroom, I'd be in a perfect world." --- Angry Make Up Sex on the horizon.

     Now, just to reiterate, this is not for ladies (well, maybe you women can use this against us men or use it as a reference to know when we are trying to get ANGRY MAKE UP SEX out of you) and for you fellows, this is just a few of many things that you can use to get your ANGRY MAKE UP SEX fix.  Let me know if there are anymore things y'all can come up with to say to our ladies to initiate this wonderful experience.

Peace Out,
Reno

P.S. I also used my girlfriend and roommate as female references as not to overly offend the opposite sex.  If I did, I'm sorry...unless it leads to ANGRY MAKE UP SEX, and then I'm not sorry!

Disc Jockey-Ing For Dummies Vol. 1

Ahhh, time for my 2nd Blog post ever so I figure that I can bring a little humor this time around.  If you don't know me very well, my primary occupation as of late is a Wedding Reception Disc-Jockey for a fairly large company in Southeast WI.  The only thing that sucks is that its kind of seasonal because of our weather here in the mid-west, but anywho; I've been doing this for the better part of 4 years and with this post I shall bestow upon my readers some of my experiences, stories, pet-peeves, and do's and don'ts for anyone who is looking to pursue this career or for anyone that is going to be a part of a wedding anytime soon. ;-)

Rule 1: Hygiene
As a person in the service industry, looks aren't everything (well they kind of are, but not a defining factor of your success) but Hygiene is.  Figure this, if you are hosting a wedding reception & ceremony that usually takes a good 10-12 hours out of your day.  I don't personally know anyone who would smell like a spring breeze after being on their feet running around working for 12 hours.  So as a major rule, make sure you have a Dj's 1st Aid-Kit complete with: 1:) Chewing Gum or Mints 2.) Deodorant (preferably Axe or Old Spice in spray form.) 3.) And also a spare shirt (s**t happens).  Because every client wants a Funky DJ, but not a FUNKY DJ.

Rule 2: Alcohol
Depending on the bride & groom, venue, and whether or not there is an open bar, this is one of the few professions where it may be alright to have an occasional drink.  ONLY within moderation!!!  Everybody wants to have fun, but an alcoholic dj is far from that.  First, if you do have any alcohol, try to be as inconspicuous as possible while getting your drink.  It's not good business etiquette for your client to overhear you ordering 2 shots of Everclear and a Jager - Bomb right before you start spinning the dance music.  MODERATION, make sure you can walk a straight line and say your ABC's backwards before announcing the names for the Bridal Party introduction as to not slaughter the names of the people that are potentially paying you for your services.

Rule 3: Requests - BE COURTEOUS but STERN!!!
Potentially a product that can determine the success or demise of your evening is your ability to pick and choose requests given to you by your crowd.  Depending on whether this is a wedding reception, teen party, or club scenario, these can help you get a better idea of what the crowd enjoys and is willing to dance to.  Be able to also use common sense when utilizing requests if you are taking them for the night.  It's cool to play songs people know and recognize, but try not to alienate yourself from your crowd by playing a DJ megamix mash-up of unreleased material from some random guys ipod because he says that he's a dj in New York and people are "going dumb" over this song "in the streets".  Never ends up well, trust me.  You wouldn't wear cowboy boots and a sombrero to a job interview, now would you? Unless it was for a rodeo.  I prefer to do an announcement directed toward the crowd explaining that I am taking requests and will 'TRY' to play them if I have them and are appropriate to the party.  DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT PROMISE ANYONE that you will play their request immediately (unless they are the people who are paying you for being the dj for the night).  I've seen what happens if you promise and don't deliver.  Let's just say a fellow DJ friend got into a fist fight for not playing Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison in a prompt and immediate manor.

Rule 4: Dancing -- ALSO WITHIN MODERATION
The only setting that I've been in as a DJ where I could get out on the dance floor is during wedding receptions (at clubs and bars this is almost impossible due to the up-tempo-ness of the vibe & music).  Well, the only time I figure its appropriate is if you are teaching your group how to do the Electric Slide or Cupid Shuffle or some ish like that.  You might get your a** beat if you're on the dance floor and the Bride and Maid Of Honor are backin' dat a** up on you.  In that case a picture is worth more than 1,000 words, it's also worth a lawsuit and a trip to the hospital after the groom finds this picture posted on his wife's Facebook page.

Rule 5: Be a student of music
Being a Dj is like writing a book.  Each song is a chapter in the story of the evening that you are creating through music.  A successful story has transitions that lead from one story to the next.  Make sure that your mixes from song to song complement each other.  You don't want to go from a slow dance to a fast dance to a slow dance.  Make sure you are building your playlist like you are leading up to the climax of a story.  This gives people who want to slow dance a chance to get drinks and talk while upbeat music is playing and vice versa.  It makes the night more memorable.

Lol, I hope this has been a decent overview of some experiences that I've gone through in my tenure as a dj, and I'm sure there will be more stories I will share with you in the future.  :-)

Reno K